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* Life is passing me by ...
  studybuddy1 - 10/04/17 00:55
  Just sitting here studying for the Step but can't help think about my life. I'll be 34 soon, haven't found anyone yet to be with and I'll be applying for residency next year when I'm 35. If I do find someone to be with, once residency starts I can't have kids till I"m done with it. So I'll be 38 years old once I get done with residency. Then if I want to have kids it would be too late as there will be all types of risks. sigh...
Just thinking that if I was a guy it would have been much better. I wouldn't have this pressure to hurry or have to deal with double pressure from residency & being pregnant.

Anyone else worried about life like me? I feel so alone in this journey. I don't share my age with others as I feel embarrassed that I'm this old.
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  ameemy - 10/04/17 08:35
  I know how you are feeling. i am a mom i have been studing since my daughter had 2 years old, she is 5 years old now.I have been doing a big effort to study with my daughter because she also needs attention. Thanks god I only need to do pass step three . I feel proud of my self because I passed all my exams first attempt. Dont feel bad maybe you find someone soon. anad dont worry about your age. I am 37 and i would like to have another kid because my daughter wants a sister.  
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  studybuddy1 - 10/04/17 14:12
  So sweet of you to respond. I was feeling low from all the pressure from other people to hurry up. But we have to think about our future plans. I'm scared about having kids late, but it's not my choice. I want to get done with residency without external stress and I don't want to end up with just any guy. You are a strong woman to pass exams with a child. It must be 2x harder to study with a child.

I just read a post where this resident got pregnant during her first year of residency. She was not allowed anytime to eat or rest. She had to deal with same amount of work load like everyone else even though she is not only dealing with residency but also pregnancy. Other's replied saying that it is like that everywhere. So it would be wise to postpone it till after residency for other females.
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  ameemy - 10/05/17 12:55
  yes. it has been 2x harder. but nothing is imposible. now I am trying to get a residency as everybody else, my scores are low step 1 202, step 2 216, cs pass firts attempt. I hope to get a position this year or maybe the next one.if the next year i dont get anyhting I have to think a plan B because I can not lose my life applying for the scores are low because i have to study , taking care of my daughter and also working. I have been doing a big effort just god knows.
I hope you the best
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  ahmed1972 - 10/05/17 13:20
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  usmlestepprep101 - 10/06/17 12:58
  i'm 33 in the same situation.. a career in medicine is for the strong willed. stick with it. if u want it bad enough. u'll find a way. focus  
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  cappacinoo - 10/06/17 14:58
  Group of strong people here, who are working towards a goal by sacrificing important part of their lives at different ages. I pray we all make it.

We all have interesting life stories and unique in their own way. It's good to hear once in a while about other people's journeys in medicine. It's a long and tough path, but we will make it. Keep your focus on the positives of life.

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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  dream250 - 10/06/17 16:23
  Just wondering which is better?

Residency with a child or Residency without a child (having kids later) if you are in your 30s? Really interested to know this. What are your thoughts?
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  lamonti - 10/06/17 16:42
  A related article was written by a FM resident last month. Worth reading!

As a second-year family medicine resident, wife of a nurse and mother of an almost-two-year-old, the feeling of just not being enough has a suffocating hold on me some days. Non satis. Sounds like a pretty good gig when I talk with others outside the medical profession and friends from home. Training to be a doctor? Great. Happily married to an amazing man who’s taking time off work to raise our child while I complete residency? Wonderful. A happy, healthy, oh-so-beautiful bouncy baby boy? Unimaginable joy. And yes, it is true that the greatness, wonder and joy are all part of my life — but some days the guilt and dissatisfaction with my performance in any given area of my life cloaks me like a blanket at night as I lay in bed staring at the ceiling.

Life as a resident is hard on many levels with the work hours, the expectations, the schedules that don’t always allow time for lunch or bathroom breaks, 24-hour calls in the hospital and evening clinic calls from home with a pager on your hip filled with the anxiety of that impending, beeping doom. But there is also the excitement of learning and that desire to grow and develop as a professional, the curiosity of anatomy and physiology. I am one of those people that truly loves learning, days dedicated to reading and studying holed up in a dark, quiet corner of a library feel natural and welcomed.

Now as a mother and wife, I have to plan my study time more stringently to accomplish what needs to be done. And when I do sit down with book in hand, laptop prepped and a hot cup of coffee steaming next to my carefully planned study agenda, I find myself thinking about my other roles in life and how I am not adequately fulfilling them. Does my husband resent me for taking even more time to myself and leaving him with the child once again? Is my child wondering where has Mommy gone again. I sometimes feel I could be studying more, learning more, looking for more opportunities in the hospital, asking for experiences outside scheduled work hours, and if I wasn’t a mother and a wife and I think sometimes that would make me a better doctor. Because who I am and what I am currently doing just couldn’t possibly be enough.

Non satis.

I am lucky to have married a man that works within the field of health care. Who knows the overwhelming body fatigue that comes from working a 12-hour-plus shift overnight in the hospital. To me, nothing shows love more than letting your wife sleep soundly in the loft during the day and caring for our child after a long night shift. He has put his career on hold temporarily while I am finishing my training. He has let go of a familiar world of working full-time complete with independence, adult socialization, medical queries and technical skills. He is now fully immersed in the world of library groups, swim classes and the great adventure of seeking out the coolest playgrounds in a five-mile radius. When I get home and see my husband and all he has done for us as a family during the day, I feel as though I “owe him.” These are my words, never his. But it is how I feel. That guilt is so deep and so natural it pains me and can be all consuming. He is supportive and encouraging and has accepted his new role with grace. And yet I feel, as a wife, I am not present enough, I don’t thank him enough, I don’t give him enough attention.

Non satis.

Life as a mom has been an overwhelming adventure. So many emotions. I have grown in character and learned so much about myself over these last 22 months, I truly never thought was possible. Patience. Worry. Amazement. Frustration. Hope. Contentment.

I found the last piece to a puzzle that had been missing for all these years. That piece of the puzzle was apparently covered in peanut butter and drops of milk and in the hands of a blue-eyed, dimpled precious toddler. The time I get to spend with him is a gift. I look forward to my days off and relish the times I too get to be co-captain on the playground seeking adventures. But when I’m at work — especially the long shifts when he’s still asleep as I leave and in bed by the time I get home — those ones are hard. Sometimes I wonder: does he wonder where I am? I cheer myself with the fact that he is happy, healthy and loved. But I constantly feel I could be doing more. I could read one more book when I get home from my 14-hour shift. I could hug him once more before I walk out the door. I could make more of an effort because what I’m doing now just couldn’t possibly be enough.

Non satis.

When I think of my health and education, I sometimes wonder should I have tried to get into a “better” medical school or a “better” residency? Did I not try hard enough? Did I not study enough ? As a physician training in primary care, I should be taking better care of myself. I should be setting a better example for my patients. I should be walking more, jogging more, lifting weights more, hiking more, meditating more, just be more. Because what I am doing now just couldn’t possibly be enough.

Non satis.

I know I am not alone with these thoughts. These thoughts are not unique. There is something cathartic about typing them out and reading them over. Despite having these feelings of not being enough I know intellectually that this stage of life is fluid. In many ways, I think being a mother and a wife and having many responsibilities and wearing many “hats” makes me a better multitasker, a better organizer, a better person and a better physician. Some days, I feel like I am ever-striving to reach a certain goal. But I know that time will pass, my toddler will grow, my skills will develop, my marriage with evolve. I need to remind myself that, indeed, I am enough and there are only so many hours in a day.
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  ameemy - 10/06/17 18:06
  thank you everybody. I thought I was the only one . I am not going to quit to my dream. I am preparing for step 3 and I hope to get a good score. I will apply next year too. I know god will help me. I am going to focus in the test and stay positive. It is THE LAST ONE!!!!! thanks god  
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* Re:Life is passing me by ...
  akada1 - 10/06/17 20:32
  Just incase this encourages anyone I have two young kids and somehow have managed to study for these crazy exams all in one year with step 3 included. very old grad. applied now and already have some interviews despite low/average scores. Keep at it and trust God nothing is impossible. About having a baby I can assure you that it is doable some programs are not as crazy as the NY programs. and from 2nd year 3rd year you will have some breather. Hope this helps.
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